How to Talk to Your Partner About Porn – A Guide for Both Sides

Porn can be a painful, confusing and emotional topic for couples. This guide is written for both sides — the one who uses porn, and the one who feels hurt by it. It aims to reduce shame, open space for honesty, and help couples communicate without panic or blame.

1. Before you talk: things both sides must understand

1.1 Porn impacts people differently

Some see it as entertainment. Others feel deeply betrayed by it. Both reactions are normal.

1.2 Porn use does not automatically mean:

a lack of love,
a lack of attraction,
a desire to cheat,
a broken relationship.

1.3 However, porn can create real harm

numbness and low libido,
ED and performance anxiety,
distorted expectations of real intimacy,
emotional disconnection,
a feeling of being replaced (for the partner).

1.4 The goal of the conversation

Not to win. Not to blame. Not to shame. But to understand each other.

2. How to prepare for the conversation (both sides)

A porn conversation shouldn’t start during a fight, or when someone is triggered.

2.1 Choose the right moment

not late at night,
not when stressed or distracted,
not after alcohol,
not during intimacy.

2.2 Agree on the goal before starting

For example:

“I want us to understand each other better.”
“I want us to feel safe talking about this.”
“I want to be honest about what I struggle with.”

2.3 Promise two rules

No yelling
No insults
No threats (“if you do this again…”)
No shaming (“you’re disgusting”, “you’re broken”)

Couples who follow these rules almost always succeed. Those who don’t — almost always fail.

3. If YOU are the one who used porn

3.1 What your partner likely fears

“Am I not enough?”
“Are you comparing me?”
“Are you attracted to me at all?”
“Is this the beginning of something worse?”

3.2 What you can say to reduce fear

“I care about you. I don’t want to hide.”
“This isn’t about replacing you.”
“I want to improve and be honest.”
“I want to understand your feelings.”

3.3 How to explain your side without excuses

You can use language that is honest, but not defensive:

“I used porn to escape stress, not because of you.”
“I didn’t realise how it was affecting me.”
“I want to change my habits.”

Avoid these phrases:

“Everyone watches porn.”
“It’s normal, stop making drama.”
“It’s just biology.”

These phrases minimise your partner’s emotions.

4. If YOU are the partner who feels hurt

4.1 What you have every right to feel

sadness,
fear,
jealousy,
anger,
a sense of betrayal,
confusion.

Your emotions are valid. But the way you express them determines whether healing is possible.

4.2 Phrases that help instead of hurt

“I want to understand your perspective.”
“I’m scared this means something about me.”
“I want us to be close again.”

4.3 Phrases to avoid

“You’re disgusting.”
“You destroyed us.”
“If you loved me, you’d stop instantly.”

These shut down honesty and push the behaviour underground.

5. The biology explanation (for both sides)

5.1 Porn creates artificial stimulation

Porn is a high-intensity dopamine activity:

endless novelty,
zero risk,
instant reward.

5.2 Over time, this can cause

low libido for real partners,
delayed arousal,
ED or weak sensitivity,
emotional blunting,
high anxiety.

This is not about “not loving the partner”. It’s a neurological effect — not a value judgment.

6. How to rebuild closeness after porn

6.1 Slow intimacy (not sexual at first)

talk without phones,
go for walks,
gentle touch without goals,
cuddling, lying close.

6.2 Relearn real arousal

Real intimacy is slower, warmer and more subtle than porn. The brain needs time to rewire.

6.3 Build trust through transparency

share triggers,
share days when you feel weak,
share progress without shame.

7. What if one partner still uses porn?

There are three paths couples take:

Path A: quit together
Path B: reduce & control use
Path C: disagree, but keep communicating honestly

What destroys couples is not porn — it is silence, defensiveness, hiding and distance.

8. A script you can use together

Partner A says:

“I want to understand your feelings and share mine without blame.”

Partner B says:

“I want to listen and be honest. I’m willing to talk calmly.”

Both agree:

no insults,
no shaming,
no threats,
honesty without punishment.

9. When to seek help as a couple

You may need help if:

porn use is extreme or compulsive,
trust is deeply damaged,
anxiety or depression dominate the relationship,
you cannot communicate without fights,
one partner feels unsafe or ignored.

A therapist is not a punishment — it is a tool for emotional safety.

10. Final message

Porn can divide a couple — but it can also be the reason they learn to communicate more deeply than ever before.

The most important ingredients:

honesty,
calm communication,
no shame,
real curiosity,
and patience with the healing process.

You don’t need to be perfect. You only need to be willing to understand each other.